Wednesday, January 27, 2010

There's a man inside my head with a hammer

And as such, I intend to blame my short absence on this faint queasiness and an alcohol induced pounding in my head.

Okay. Alright. Poor excuse.

In all seriousness, I'm sorry friendlings. Life has come to resemble something out of Days Of Our Lives recently. I would bore you with details of the sex scandals, comatose siblings and recently discovered relations, but hey, I know you'd much rather hear about my adventures into university. Right? Right.

Thursday was enrolment day, and as such I braced myself for a peregrination into Monash, where, upon entry, it was explained to me just how little of my soul law intends to leave intact. Does anyone have a law degree I could just, say, borrow? That'd be great. Really. I'm not going to survive the year. It has also been made apparent to me by the angry angry socialist woman with a clipboard that I am far too right wing to belong at Monash. I'm sorry angry lady, please don't impale me.

As I am currently struggling through a pre semester assignment, I'm going to tide you over with an amusing little glimpse into my past, that being the only piece of my writing available to me on my Aunt's computer - a literacy assigment from year 9. Happen to have read Stephen King's short story, The Body? It was meant to be an exercise in picking up characters and style (as such, both must be credited to Mr King). Hopefully I'll see you next time with something slightly more substantial.

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Billy Tessio stood hunched over, big hands shoved into his pockets, one foot scuffing the brown dirt driveway, sending up a cloud of dust. Charlie Hogan scratched his head. Fuzzy Brackowicz leaned against the dusty old car and watched them both, out of the loop, and somehow sensing it. Something had happened between last night and now, and these guys were acting strange. Real strange. It was the hottest day of summer, and the street was empty. Not that it wasn’t normally, but now, not a thing moved. Even the birds were holed up somewhere, hiding from the heat. Ace Merrill had gone down the corner to the store to see if he could hawk some cigarettes.

Finally, Charlie broke the silence. “We gotta tell him Billy” Billy’s head jerked up, and a hand emerged from his pocket, fist clutched tightly around a switchblade. The blade glittered threateningly in the hot summer sun. “Shut your face. We don’t gotta tell him nothing, Charlie. You hear? Nothing!” Fuzzy eyed them both, then played with the hem of his shirt uneasily. He didn’t like Billy when he was in this kind of mood. None of them did. The guy was dangerous. At the same time though, curiosity gnawed at him. “Tell… tell me what guys?” Billy rounded on Fuzzy, his eyes shining menacingly. “Nothing. We got nothing to tell, Fuzz, so you just get outta our business.” Billy realised that he was holding the blade aloft, and lowered it again, glaring at Charlie. He should’ve known the guy couldn’t keep a secret. Never could. But he was gonna have to learn.

Police’d find that dead kid sooner or later, and hey, what did it matter to them? If they reported it, if someone found out that they’d found him, well, they were going to ask questions, weren’t they? They’d been miles out of town when they’d stumbled on that body. Eventually, someone was going to start wondering just how they got out that far without a car, and when they did, someone would surely find out about that car they jacked last night. It was a regular thing for the boys. They’d boost a car and go joyriding through the woods with a couple of scags, Marie Daughtery and Beverly Thomas. They weren’t great girls; pimples, moustaches, the works. But hey, as long as they kept putting out, the boys didn’t care. They’d take the girls parking somewhere out Castle Rock way, drink themselves blind and make out, then dump the car somewhere. Cheap thrills.

Charlie looked like he was going to say something else, then thought the better of it. What could he say to Billy? How could he possibly make him understand that he needed to tell? Tell him about the guilt? That kid had been on the news for weeks, he must’ve had parents that wanted to know what happened to him. Or how about the nightmares? Last night spent lying stiff as a board in bed, seeing the kid’s mangled body lying on the train tracks, imagining him right before it happened, rooted to the spot and watching the train rush towards him, those big bright lights. Worst of all, imagining his mangled corpse dragging itself out from under his bed to wrap cold, clammy fingers around Charlie's calves, it’s eyes big and blank, those horrible eyes. Accusing eyes. No, he couldn’t tell Billy any of these things. He just couldn’t.

They stood in silence for awhile, feet scuffing the ground, hands shoved in pockets. Eventually, Ace sauntered around the corner, pack of smokes bulging in his pocket. He chucked one to each of them and watched as they lit up. They stood awhile longer, before Ace finally pulled out his keys. “C’mon guys. Let’s go graffiti the old saw mill. There ain’t nothin better to do” The boys nodded and flicked their cigarette butts on the ground, before clambering into the old car. Fuzzy glanced at Billy and Charlie, but said nothing. Not in front of Ace. If Billy was dangerous, Ace was downright lethal. And with that they were gone, a cloud of dust rising in their wake.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Why centipedes must suffer

Have you ever had the experience of waking up, deciding to do something productive, and going outside to put the washing on the clothes line (because that'll only take about 5 minutes, right? and then you can go inside and sit infront of the television, guilt free and comfortable in the knowledge that you at least began the day in a positive manner) only to arrive at the clothes line and discover that the basket you picked up contains an enormous load of socks? Socks which you must now painstakingly peg individually, a process which will take you at least 3 times as long as your original estimate? This week has been kind of like that.

Nevertheless, here I am, having overcome dead bodies, snake bitten dogs, theft, heartbreak, the late night train system, exploding appliances and perhaps most horrific of all, uni offers. The outcome? Surprisingly positive. You are now reading (I hope) the blog of a law student. Oh, don't worry, I'm also wasting my time on an arts degree, which ought to provide me with ample (if irrelevant) political and historical fun facts with which to bore you. Not only have I been accepted into higher education, a certain black feathery friend of mine has returned from a sojourn into the ocean, as has my little sister. Perhaps my luck is looking up.

I sincerely hope you have plans for Australia day, wherever you are. Personally, you will find me floating in a swimming pool, covered in zinc, eating BBQed lamb and listening to Aussie rock. A fitting tribute to our country? I think so.

Until then, storm a Bastille. It'll do you the world of good.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The truth about non-fat spreads


Do you want to know a secret? Of course you do. Everyone does. Today my father saw a dead man hanging from a tree. How's that for an auspicious beginning to the new year? I'm sorry, you'd probably prefer I were lighthearted. Let's begin again.

You see here, annonymous and potentially non-existant reader, my reaction to this unsettling event, that being the launching of my wisdom into cyberspace. A new year, a start to university, and now a new blog. Don't worry, there's still time to run. While it's been a holiday season of midnight swims in summer swelters, love, loss, excessive alcohol consumption and frequent bear shark attacks, I'm actually not dreading re-entering the real world. University offers loom and the stasis we school leavers have been trapped in is about to end. Life beckons.

I wonder, do you ever watch Dr Phil? It was with guilty pleasure that I spent an afternoon on the couch today, engrossed in the problems of his gun-toting, convenience store robbing patients. I think it is his moustache that does it. It's hard not to trust a person with such an incredible moustache but so little hair anywhere else. A moustache like that can only be for hiding secrets in. I can't help but be reminded of Dixon Bainbridge. Do you see now, why this blog is a necessity? If you cannot drag me from my dull existance, at the very least I might drag you into it.

The delights of daytime television aside, you can expect to hear from me every few weeks. Until I lose interest in you, that is. For now, may you be blessed with Lenin's charisma, Trotsky's genuis and Stalin's... well, you get the idea.